TW: suicide, depression, and a big one for whining

Where you know things would be better off with you dead? Or, just never born even?

I'm just seriously depressed right now, and that's all I've had on my mind. After three trips to in-patient (basically in a hospital for sad/crazy/drug addicted teens and adults,) two tries at partial (that except I get to go home), and then iep, (partial after school instead of replacing it,) I've been basically kicked out of school, and now my mom's trying to get me in a school in a different state. My therapist said I have to make myself more positive, and that the medicine can only go so far to help me, but, it's so hard to think positive when every pro has con. I don't see any of my friends, I don't know what they'll think of me either, and the friends I made in the hospital, and my out-patients, I don't have contact with. My stepdad seems to hate everything I do, even if "he loves all very much", and apparently I'M picking fights with HIM whenever he accuses me of being irresponsible, or insults somebody dear, or says something I DARE have an opinion on, and he raises his voice out of nowhere, spitting and red and furious, I clearly started it.

The only things keeping me going are sites like this, my dogs, and my snake (which apparently I might lose now anyway). It's not enough these days. Honestly, I miss in-patient. At least I had friends, and when there was a problem, adults listened to you. I don't even know what people know at my school, if they think I'm insane or homicidal or just unstable, or if they know nothing. It's all just too much sometimes, and I hate to whine and complain when I know there's people who have it worse, I've MET people who've had it worse, and then THEY'RE the ones comforting ME. I just-maybe it would be easier if it was over. Dying is painful, but death is not.

Sorry for being so whiny, I'll add a trigger warning.

I feel for you. There have been times I've hit bottom before and frankly, I'm still digging myself out, slowly but surely. From my own personal experience, I find what your therapist is telling you to be true - the medicine can improve your baseline of emotions, but it is ultimately up to you to be where you wanna be, in terms of your emotional and mental well being. It was hard for me, too, to learn to see, think and feel positively - honestly it's the thinking and feeling part that was the hardest for me. What helped me was having myself sitdown and force myself to see the pros and cons - to train myself to always see a silver lining as something to look forward to or feel better about. Eventually - training myself to do this paid off, and it became an automatic thing - a habit. By seeing positivity at all, I began to see more positively, and the effect slowly is snowballing, at least for me.

If you miss your friends in the hospital and out-patient services, is it possible for you to establish some kind of contact with them? Your friends are as much your support net as your family or your doctors, if there's a way to keep in contact with them - even email or something - I think that would be a step in the right direction. I know my own friends and family helped me a lot, definitely more than the medication did, in my own struggle. If you feel that people aren't listening to you, have you told them as much? I know when I said as much to people I had hoped would listen to me the first time they seemed surprised that I felt that way. The squeakiest wheel gets the most oil - be vocal and transparent about your wants and needs. If people don't know, they can't help improve the situation.

As far as the thing with your step-father and your friends at school, they have a saying that no matter what happens around you, you are ultimately responsible for the way you choose to react. I mean this in the sense that when your stepdad chooses to act the way he does - you can make the choice to not only react negatively or positively, but to also allow it to effect you negatively to create a lasting negative impression. By allowing it to roll off your shoulders and not be bothered by it, you don't have to be dragged down by it. Which isn't to say what he's doing is right, but that you have the ability to control how it effects you. Some sources of negativity can't be eliminated, but they can usually at least be minimized or made tolerable.

It's very likely that your classmates at your school now and the one your mother is looking at have no idea about the medical treatment plans you're going through specifically because of the patient confidentiality. If anyone knows, only the staff know - and that is only because they must in order to provide and be consistent with the treatment you're currently being given.

I hope some of my experiences are helpful to you, and I hope you feel better.

Dear Delira. 

I'm depressive myself, and I cry 20% of the time, and I myself want to die. But depressing is like rain, it just pass by and then go away. Just wait for the sunshine to come. I'm sure people would miss such a girl you are, and going will just make them cry. I went depressive when my friend suicided, so just think about it: it's not only you. It's just a matter of time, you'll be better soon. but if you go, yours friends, your family, and everyone around you will be sad. You can even make some of them depressive.

What you're saying is not the worst thing in the world. I used to suffer from children's laugh and stuff. I have been beaten, and everyone looked down at me as I were just a punching bag. I got kicked, punched, and I almost die several times. Now that I moved to a better place I'm going fine and I have friends now, but I'm still depressing. Even though I know they're here for me, I keep thinking I'm just a stupid thing they're carrying with pain, and I'm thinking that I'm just a bother to them. I'm carrying on, I think I will see the sunshine soon, and that I just have to wait. I think that if I die, people around me will be sad, and I don't want it to happen.

Please think about it. 

If you need someone to talk to I'm around for PM'ing. If you just need to rant about whatever, or just need to unload I'm around. I know how liberating it can be to rant to people. When I got so angry or depressed that I scared myself I would post on the games I play and random people would offer their support and just let me rant. It just felt good to let it out and know someone was listening and not judging me.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. It doens't sound like you're doing anything to make your step-dad act like this to you. It's not your faut. If anything its a character flaw in him not you. Who cares what people think. If they think bad of you then they are obviously people that aren't worth being around. If those people can't see that you are a good person and that you need comfort then they aren't worth the worry. Only worry about people that care about you genuinly. Because those who don't aren't worth your time. A kid from your class that you barely know shoulndn't have to make you feel sad. Their opinion doesn't matter. What matters is the people who love you truly and you. Chin up. Life does get better. School isn't the end of the world. There is a whole new world outside of it. It's scary, and big... but so much better. None of the pettiness and drama of raging hormones and social statuses. What matters in life is who you are and what you make of yourself, not the stupid names someone calls you. If someone has to put you down to elevate themselves then they are a sad person. Be strong :)

Find the things you love in life, surround yourself with them and with the people you love. And if you proffer the company of animals over people (as I do) then take your dogs on walks. Relax and just enjoy the world and what life has to offer. Whenever I was depressed I would talk to my pets and hold them crying into their fur. They just know how to comfort people and they dont' even need words. I picked up photography now my dog and I have adventures in the woods taking photos. Hobbies can be great too. :)

I've been in crummy situations, but I've had friends in worse. For some reason my friends seem to keep coming forward to me and confiding about their depression and traumas. I've heard much and seen much. I've delt with suicidal friends, and suicidal strangers. I haven't been there myself (maybe a few times when I was especially sad or angry), but I do try to understand the best I can and sympathize. I can be a rock if you need one :) I like to help people like that because I know how important it can be.

Can you get in contact with any of your friends from in-patient? Any of the adults there? Perhaps you can e-mai, snail mail, text, or chat.

If you do transfer to a new school then don't worry about the new people. They don't knwo your life. You can use it as a chance to re-invent yourself. Be the person you want to be. School unfortunantly pigeonholes you into roles. I was the odd girl who didn't have nice clothes, was smart and was funny.. but my last year of school that changed, and in college I became a different person. The one I wanted to be in high school.

Please don't hurt yourself, be it permanantly or temporarily. You're not alone, even if you feel like it. It is a permanant thing to do, depression and school are not. I had a friend who tried three times in high school, she looks back on it now and cannot believe that was her. She is now happy, in a stable relationship and job. She is glad that it never worked because if it had she wouldn't be where she was today. There is a future ahead of you, and it can have a happy ending if you let it. The future isn't written in stone, you carve it. Humans are blessed with a long life, live it- because you only get one and there is so much to do in it. Too many wonders that should be explored. Please. Think about the positive future, and the people around you. :)

And please, feel better <3