No seriously, I love jokes and riddles, don't think it matters if it's long or short or weird, please do share.

a string walks into a store and asks them if he could buy a tv the clerk says "sorry but i don't sell to string" so he goes outside and ties him self in a knot and frays the end of the string and he walks back in and asks again to buy the tv again and the clerk says "sorry but i don't sell to string " and the string says " i'm a frayed knot "

so thats the joke hope you like it X3

How do you put your money where your mouth is?

Buy mint toothpaste

Three girls are running away from the police. The police were gaining on them, and the only thing in sight was an old barn. They ran into the barn and saw only 3 potato sacks. They jumped in. When the police ran in, they decided to poke the lumpy potato sacks. When they poked the first one, it said "Woof, woof!" "That can't be a girl, its a dog!" the officer said. so he poked the second one. "Meow, meow!" the girl said. "That can't be a girl, its a cat!" he said. So he poked the last one."Potato! Potato!" said the girl.

lol, worst cops ever!

I never wanted to belive that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home from school one day, all of the signs were there

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Two blondes, Carol and Sandi, were walking down the street. Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Sandi said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the compact. Sandi looked in the mirror and said, "DUH, you idiot, it's me!"

Having lawyers create laws is like have doctors create diseases!

God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you create a masterpiece.

Yo mama is so fat that when she stood on the electrical talking scale it said one at a time please.

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

Dr. Dave's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.

And then there was the boxing referee who used to work for NASA; everytime a fighter would go down, he'd start counting "10, 9, 8...."

Riddles, you say? :D

Don't mind if I do!

1) I measure time by the hour. Thin- I am quick, Fat- I am slow, and Wind is ever my foe.

What Am I???

2) What English word can still be pronounced/said the same way, even if you took away 4 of it's 5 letters?

3) A ruler once commissioned wisemen to make him a ring that would gladden him when he was sad, and sadden him when he was happy. They succeeded.

Who was the ruler and what did the ring say?

Riddle answers:

1) "You are a clock".

2) The word is "Queue" because even after removing 4 of its letter, you still pronounce it "Q".

3) No idea!

why Couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?

cause he was too far out man! XD

I love it when people think LOL mean lots of love!

Example: "Your grandmother has had a heart attack, she is not doing good. LOL"

Laughter is a great thing. Except when it make milk come out your nose! 

Commas save lives!!!

Let's eat Grandpa!

Let's eat, Grandpa!